Say what Eve? What are you on about? Everybody knows that sex is supposed to be ssssssizzling hot and that it’s all about fiery, passionate seduction!
C’mon the entire world and pretty much everything we consider to be sexy, is sold on the notion that the hotter sex is, the deeper, more amazing and better sex is right?
I’m deeply sorry to be the one that breaks this to you, I’m not into being a buzzkill that blows out your vibe, but sexual burnout is an extremely common reality. In fact, if your sex is too hot it can be the biggest killer of your sexual energy and your sexual relationship.
In the 15 years of sexuality session work, Ive literally seen thousands of individuals and couples who are, what I would say a pretty typical cross section of humans, between the ages of 18 to 85, varying genders, sexual orientations, experiencing different relationship styles and subscribing to the mainstream, conventional sex approach we’ve all inherited.
Okay, so what’s your point? My point is that I see pretty much everyone operating beyond their sexual capacity level. There’s a huge difference between what we’ve been conditioned to believe about our sexuality and the actuality of our current stage of sexual and relational development and capacity.
Let me say this another way…
Most sexually active humans are operating beyond their sexual capacity and haven't yet built the bandwith to hold the level of hotness they are operating at. The sex they are having (or no longer having in many cases) is happening with way too much overstimulation and intensity for their physical system, their emotional body, their current relationship skills and their relationships.
How do you know if your sex is too hot?
When sex is too hot for us, our sexual tension is wound up too tight.
The amount of sexual energy that we're offering and the intensity in the way we are extending it, is excessive. There is too much fire (action and intensity) and not enough air (spaciousness and relaxation). It results in many mental and physical symptoms that start to appear in our emotional body, our mental health, our relationship health and our genitals.
It’s when sexual infatuation, projections, and illusions are running high.
Dependency, addictions, obsessions, and agendas for outcomes are running the show.
It’s when we become fixated and performative, possessive and over controlling with unhealthy dominating behaviours and anxious or needy sexual energy being present.
It’s when emotional overwhelm, wounding, and trauma symptoms are at their strongest, with unhealthy submissive behaviours of avoidance, passivity and compliance corresponding.
The hotter we get, the more our relationship to our sexual power and our sex drive (hormones) is challenged and the quicker we reach our capacity and sexual limits.
We are beyond our sexual capacity when we’ve disconnected from these main 4 areas:
1) Self Awareness:
We are unable to be objectively aware and responsible for our needs, energy, words, actions, behaviours and the impact we are having on others.
2) Self Attunement:
We are unable to be fully present and attuned to ourselves or our lover”s changing needs and the appropriateness of the moment and environment.
3) Self Containment:
a) We are unable to contain and regulate our sexual energy within ourselves without leaking, hooking, or sucking energy from others.
b) We are unable to stay grounded in our embodiment and relaxed in our nervous system during arousal.
4) Self Regulation:
Loss of our nervous system and emotional body regulation skills, defaulting into survival strategies of fighting, avoidance, dissociation, freezing, pleasing or collapsing.
Top 10 Emotional Challenges when our sex is too hot:
Lack of Presence
Lack of Energetic Attunement
Self disconnection and dissatisfaction
Unhealthy domination & unhealthy submission power dynamics
Lack of boundaries, limits and consent being discussed and agreed upon before touch
Fears of rejection and loss
Compaction and increase of shame and guilt
Insecurity and low self esteem
Resentment and unmet expectations
Emotional exhaustion
Top 10 Relationship Ruptures when our sex is too hot:
Communications breakdowns
Reduced intimacy and increased emotional distancing
Erosion of trust
Reduced sexual desire
Feelings of rejection and inadequacy
Escalation of conflicts
Risk of affairs
Performance anxieties and sexual pressure
Sexless relationships
Loss of mutual respect
Top 6 physical examples of sex that’s too hot for male genitals:
Early ejaculation
Erection challenges
Hyposexuality (Yes, low libido is becoming much more prevalent in men these days)
Delayed ejaculation
Hypersexuality (Sexual Addiction)
Desensitisation & Genital Numbness
Top 6 examples of sex that’s too hot for female genitals:
Hyposexuality (Low Libido)
Anorgasmia (Inability to orgasm)
Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
Vaginismus (painful vaginal tightness)
Desensitisation, genital numbness
Sexual aversion disorders
Oophhhhf!!!!!
I know the reality of this is a huge blow to our egos! I know that we would all like to think we are capable, sexually open, have no boundaries or limits and we're hot AF.
It’s time to get real folks - everyone is pretending they’ve got a black belt in sexuality, but next to nobodies ever done the white belt training. The education that the majority of people have received and are operating on, is shame filled cultural and religious messaging of sexual suppression, basic biology and porn. It's no wonder we are living in a culture of sexual chaos and trauma.
Sobering information I know, but this reality check is way overdue.
Hot sex burns out fast!!!! and sexual burnout is a very common thing.
So what's the answer?
Learning about how sex naturally and holistically operates between the polarities of active hot sexual energy and cool receptive sexual energy. Understanding that your sexual energy and your sexual connections require a range of varying sexual energetics, to be able to meet the different emotional, mental and physical needs of each lover's daily changing needs - for sex to stay sustainable, nourishing and deeply satisfying.
For More Information Check out the 16th Key -
Sexual Tensegrity and Sexual Energy Attunement

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